Wheeljack the Wonder Stump
by KillforKlondike
Summary: There is a saying: You're never too old to really hurt yourself trying something new.
1. The Wonder Stump is Born

Sooo….Yeah. I have…no excuse whatsoever for the fact that I haven't at all for a long time. No excuse at all. I just haven't had the will to write anything. But most of all this is just to get back into the swing now that school is letting up on the stress and to prove I'm not dead to a certain someone who emailed me. Yeah, they emailed me to ask if I was dead. If I didn't reply I don't know how they'd know if I was off' or not, but I'll leave the details up to them.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own crap. However one day I shall claim Wheeljack in the name of me.

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><p>Ratchet gripped the welding torch, glaring at the offending party that stood in the Med Bay's entrance. He wondered absently if it was worth reattaching whatever it was that had been blown off this time, since it would surely be missing in the next few days once more.<p>

It had been bad enough when Red Alert had come to Earth. True, Red wasn't as bad as he could be, and it was probably just a onetime episode, but the mech could still be more annoying than Sideswipe at times. Sure, Red was at times referred to as the Security Nazi…but Wheeljack had arrived on Earth. _Wheeljack_. Just the name brought back memories, all of which were just as frustrating as they were now.

Sam and Leo had at first been ecstatic to learn that the bot often dealt with explosions. Their enthusiasm damped when they realized that the explosions weren't on purpose, and they had run in terror after the first experiment that had involved them volunteering to help. Wheeljack had been delighted, as he had never seen a human before, and so started almost immediately to play with Earth's current technology. Naturally his lab was avoided with an almost religious fervor.

In the first week Ratchet had reattached Wheeljack's: both arms (twice), his right leg, three major power lines, an optic, and _his head._ All of the injuries came with an…_interesting_ story of explanation for the mishap. Most fascinating was the one about his head, which involved a modified leaf blower and a spatula.

Red Alert was rigorously trying to reign in 'Jack's experiments for fear that the Decepticons may attack after one of Wheeljack's many defective inventions exploded for the fifth time. However, when the Decepticons had found out 'Jack was here, they had definitely become more cautious. Even amongst the 'Cons Wheeljack was renowned for his inventions, regardless of whether they worked correctly or not.

Before Ratchet's optics was an example of when those inventions did _**not**_ work. Wheeljack was being held out in front of Optimus, Bumblebee standing next to the Prime holding a pair of legs, and Prowl behind both, more than likely holding more of the mad scientist. For the moment, Wheeljack was just a limbless torso that vaguely reminded of a mannequin used in human stores. Except that those mannequins usually don't look like they just survived a nuclear explosion. Both of the lights on either side of Wheeljack's helm were hanging limply by mere wires and swung to and fro as Optimus carried him to a medical berth.

Ratchet surged air through his vents in a heavy sigh and set the torch down before he threw it at the limbless wonder. "Wheeljack…do I really want to know?" At that moment Sam, who had followed the macabre parade down the way to the med bay finally caught up. "Hey Ratchet, do you know where my Xbox 360 is?" Wheeljack did his best to wiggle to the side of the berth as to look at the little human. "Actually, I took it to see how the insides worked and if I could make it better." A horrified look came over Sam's face. "Oh God 'Jack, pease don't say…" Bee nodded grimly at his charge. Sam's eyes teared up ever so slightly and he ran back down the hallway.

Wheeljack the Wonder Stump sighed and shook his helm. "Poor little Xbox; it was going so well until I turned it back on."

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><p>I didn't really have any inspiration for this. I just realized I had to prove I was among the living and started to put my pencil to paper.<p>

P.S. I bet you can't tell who is one of my absolute favorites from the G1 series.


	2. Ballad of The Wonder Stump

I was going to leave this as a one shot but I just got the urge to write this. And then I swear a weird banjo tune popped into my mind and since about one in the afternoon I've been humming this to myself. Every time I come to the end of the chorus I laugh.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Wheeljack, Prowl, Bee, or Ratchet. I do however own the rhyme and the banjo music.

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><p><em>Wheeljack the Wonder Stump!<em>

_The Wonder Stump?_

_The Wonder Stump!_

_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump,_

_Gotta carry him around._

He once had both his arms and legs,

Perfectly attach'd.

But then after a'splosion,

His arms and legs were scrap'd.

Bumblebee was laughing,

Prowl was havin' him a fit,

But good old doc bot Ratchet

Is gonna' get 'im fixed.

_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump!_

_The Wonder Stump?_

_The Wonder Stump!_

_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump,_

_Gotta carry him around._

Ratchet picked up his trusty wrench,

And fired up the torch.

He tightened screws, he replaced bolts,

Till 'Jack was good as new.

Old doc bot sent him on his way,

And then let out a sigh.

'Cause he knew that by next week,

He'd do it all again.

_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump!_

_The Wonder Stump?_

_The Wonder Stump!_

_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump,_

_Gotta carry him around._

**_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump!_**

**_The Wonder Stump?_**

**_The Wonder Stump!_**

**_Wheeljack the Wonder Stump,_**

**_Gotta carry him around._**

**_YA GOTTA' CARRY HIM AROUND!_**

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><p>Random, yes. Am I possibly drugged? That might be a possibility. But I really am diggin' the banjo music that keeps playing in my head. Wheeljack the Wonder Stump does just have a ring to it, doesn't it? Please review and tell me what you think. The Wonder Stump commands you to review!<p> 


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